I'm one step away for reaching my 40s.

I haven't been very much active here and I should remedy to this. I haven't gone much to many conventions either. I feel powerless when it comes for the preparations because I often have no friends to be with and getting a room looks so damn difficult to get. But I dream to discover more furry cons and getting a fursuit at some point. I just feel lazier and much more tired as I grow up.

I've met some good friends irl around here and so far, I'm having a great time with them. Hopefully, we will keep on going and maybe that could help me travel too.

On the other side, I've spent more time on VRChat, met some good beans and enjoyed chilling with them. I'm planning to hop on tonight and tomorrow.

Once more, thanks a lot everyone for the birthday wishes! I love you all!

Happy day of beans to all of you good beans! Hope you had a good one filled with plenty of paws. I wish I could provide some more paw stuff for the occasion for you all to enjoy. I'd have to watch for potential paw commissions.

However, I'd have to admit that I've kind of lost in the self-confidence and satisfaction on my side about SilverMike as I grew older. What I mean is... I've always questioned myself about the look of SilverMike and how I wanted him to be, and I've realized way much later that I might have rushed on some aspects and not always took the right decisions. And because of that, I've always been so-so, in a way, to get more arts about him or even a fursuit. And yet, it's been years I've been identified as SilverMike and didn't do much about it and, in a way, I feel like "it's a bit too late now".

And so, I'm considering to either revamp SilverMike completely and get myself in a new identity -OR- keep him as is (with perhaps slight modifications) and create a brand new dragon-like character that could include a wyvern or even a kobold. I was also considering making another kind of character that would also reflect on my out-of-the-ordinary sexuality. Giving me two different ways to identify myself and have artworks about.

However, it's not such an easy decision to take and I'd have to work so much more on my laziness and lack of actions on my side, which I'm not always really proud of. But one thing is for sure: I will always stay a paw-loving and very cute and friendly scaly creature. I will always be myself despite the weaknesses I have.

Whenever I am with people, whether it is with my family, friends or strangers, I constantly struggle to be someone interesting, trying to follow the flow of trends and being worth to be spoken to. I've got people telling me that I feel like I'm shy, others disliked that I can cut their conversations by accident, some that feel like I'm not talkative or that I don't listen to them. And in some cases, I feel like I'm being avoided.

I have some mild disorders and I'm aware of that. If I've done anything wrong socially, please know that it's not intentional and I'm so sorry.

Sometimes, I even wonder if I've done things wrong whenever I've tried to communicate with people. And the reason is, I'm not even sure how I should communicate with them properly in the first place. For instance, if I meet furries that share some similar kinks, is it okay to talk about them? Should I refrain myself to be so kinky and act incorrectly? Should I not involve anything that can be taboo? Could it happen that I may befriend people for the wrong reasons? How should I approach things up?

The thing is, I'm so struggling with all this, I feel like I'm imprisoned in my mind. I always want to act properly, be close friends with people I admire, feel like I'm important to them and try to share interests and fun... but it's tough. It's so god damn tough. And I jam, I don't know what to do, I feel isolated. I don't want to say something wrong and they'll find me weird and avoid me, and at the same time, I don't want to be boring and talk about things of no importance.

I've been told to seek for help, and I was considering seeking a psychologist, maybe a sexologist too. But I just feel so unsure if I'm gonna talk about furries to them, if they would understand. Is there such thing as a furry psychologist? Someone that knows about furries, kinks and autism spectrums?

This is because, I'm gonna be honest, I'm feeling so terrible right now. Each day. I feel like the life is too hard for me, unable to seek love, get pleasure, reach my goals and have a clear mind. And the older I become, harder I feel it will be.

Yup, growing older again. But I don't want to! Heck, it's part of life...

I took this opportunity to finally decide to post all the artworks I've kept for a while. Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm late.

I also offered myself some costly treats, hopefully all the online orderings went well.

Other than that, I've managed to attend Furpocalypse for the first time recently in October and it went well. Met some good new friends, managed to win a LAN party of the classic Doom and spent some great time overall.

Sadly, I didn't plan to go to MFF this year either. I'll have to check this out more deeply next year.

If you want to wish me some Happy Birthday, I'm gonna hop on VRChat later today in the evening, playing some games and chilling. Feel free to join!

Again, thank you very much everyone for the birthday wishes. Love you guys!

Whatever the type of paws, whether it's beans, talons or hooves, it's again the time of the year to celebrate the paws because let's face it: they are lovely! Happy Paw Day everyone!

Hello there, it's the silver and purple dragon again. I hope you all had a great Easter time and didn't eat too much chocolate.

In my case, I'm okay, though my health could be better. I've recently been diagnosed with fatty liver and some gallstones. Hopefully, this can be treated and I could feel better overall. I'm feeling so tired, like with a good lack of energy. Can't wait for summer to get more sunlight.
I also wanna apologize for my laziness. I know I said I wanna update my FA. I seriously need to kick myself in the butt.

I went to FE in March and it was great once again, although not as great as some other years. Many little things kind of ruined my happiness a bit. It was great to see everyone again and spend some time with friends, don't get me wrong, but the fact that we had to split for the room, that some things were not according to plan (yes, I'm aware that I shouldn't make expectations nor promises in a con), coupled with a little lack of sleep, a roommate in a bad mood and a room party that wasn't as great... I don't know, it wasn't as magical. Hopefully next year will be better.

My mental health is still not so great, mostly for the usual reasons. In a way, I even hate myself for being how I am, but I know I shouldn't. I just dream to be happy, to have more friends around who I can connect with, where we share similar interests; maybe even get into a relationship if that can be possible. But I'm so different, unstable, unsure and worrying. I suppose that in the meantime, I'd have to find a way to feel happier in life by myself, and work some more on myself too.

I'm planning to get to more cons this year if everything goes fine. First, I wanna try to attend AC, then I'm gonna be at CanFurEnce and maybe even Furpocalypse.
I'm also planning to get some more stuff now that I have some money. Maybe a fursuit in a near future, who knows.

I think that's pretty much it. You all take care and have a good day.

I know, I'm a bit late, but I wanna take this little moment to tell to all my dragon friends (but even those who aren't dergs) how much I appreciate you guys. Even though I'm sometimes not super active, I always appreciate when you're around and cheer me up. It means a lot. I could say names, but I don't wanna leave anyone out.

It's always cool to see so much lovely dragons of all kinds, and even though they have some of the best paws, dragons aren't just all about that. I've always enjoyed how majestic and powerful they are, and how they are impressive and imposing. Such magical beasts.

Happy Appreciate A Dragon Day all!

Hey there everyone, hope you all had nice holidays and you're having a good start of 2023 so far. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year a bit late!

Not much has changed on my side. I'm in a mood where I'm thinking a lot about my life and worrying about myself, my health and my happiness. I'm growing a bit old and I'm feeling like I'm still as inexperienced as if I'd be 20 years old, as if my life got sucked all those years in my computer, turning me into a lazy dragon. Everything is going so fast, or maybe it's just me that is incredibly slow. It's as if my life has no meaning and no goal. But yet, I still keep on going and always hope for the best.

For 2023, I hope to fulfill some of my needs. I know I shouldn't focus too much about it, but let me be clear: I'm terribly lacking of relationships and sexual excitements. It affects me. It's hard, so hard when what you love is in a totally different direction of what the majority of people love, when the unique fetishes you have is not only tricky to execute, it's also hard for others to understand and having an interest about it. And when you're constantly surrounded by lewd stuff that only you doesn't find appealing, when you try to mention about those kinks in the hope for the people to engage with you, only to realize that nobody cares, it's... unbearable, it's painful. And I can't blame them, I'm the one with different interests... And in case you're wondering what kink I'm talking about, it's my cameraphilia or video camera fetish.

At least, I still have my love for paws. But even, I'm lacking of them. I don't know much furries around my location that are into them. RPs become rare as well. There's maybe in VRChat that it could be interesting, but opportunities are kind of rare too. I don't know if I'm doing it wrong or if I'm just terribly unlucky.

You might think I could be some sort of sex addict, but it's not. I'm just terribly lacking. All I want is to spice up my life a bit, having a bit of sexual pleasure once in a while, something reasonable that would cheer me up a bit.

As for relationships, I always care for love and romance. I love to give hugs, cuddles, snuggles, massages and the like. But I'm always alone...

Overall, I hope what I just said won't give a bad image of myself. I always wanna try my best in life and doing the right things. So if what I'm doing is wrong, then my deep apologizes.

Besides all that, I have many other things I have to check and care about. 2023 will be busy, interesting and hopefully, better as well.

Love you all, guys.

It's that time of the year again, this derg is levelling up.

Do I deserve to be celebrated though? I don't know. Deep inside me, I don't feel like I deserve it. But anyway, I don't wanna bring any negativity.

I was thinking to go to MFF, but for not having a room in the main hotel and the hassle of getting a lift as it often happens with me, I decided to give up. The good thing is, with the money saved, I was thinking to offer me some good stuff instead.

Thanks again for all those Happy Birthday wishes. It warms me up when I feel like I matter for anyone. *Gives tight hugs*

I just realized I reached a little bit over 50k of pageviews. I didn't expect this amount of visits considering that I'm not contributing or being active here a lot (except faving).

Well, thanks a lot for all the interest. I really appreciate. I must admit, I've been rather lazy for adding new artworks here, some of which I've got several months ago, but I'll try to remedy this. Expect some more stuff to be added here soon.

Again, thanks for all the views.

Why is it so hard to fit with others sometimes? Why do I have to be asexual with out of the ordinary kinks? Why do I have a huge lack of interest in many things? Why am I always so scared to try new things? Why do I always feel like nobody cares about me? Why am I so abnormal?

You can't imagine how painful it is when you're surrounded with people that don't match you. You belong to nowhere. You're in an ocean of people having sex with each other, sharing sexual pics and stuff, getting into private rooms and having relationships, and you're the only one drowning with no one to rescue you, because they're not interested about you.

Sometimes, I wish I could just stop to exist. What's the point of continuing when you have no goal in life, no one that loves you, nothing that interests you, with nothing that makes you happy? That's not a life.

Why is it so hard to be me?

And sorry to rant again. That's how I am when I'm depressed.

These days, I've been feeling quite lonely. It's tough when you try to fit in with friends when they enjoy doing things that you're not fully into, when they're available at the moments you're not, when they enjoy playing games that it's not quite your type, when you're part of groups that don't fully meet your expectations or where you don't feel so much being part of, when furries nearby in your area are into sexual things that you don't find appealing and when some others plain simply ignore you. I've starting to wonder, where's my real place? Where do I truly belong? And the fact that I have some specific unique kink makes it even harder. I'm craving to make my sexual fantasies coming true, but it's just too hard, and most of the time, nobody else would help me for that.

So yeah...

Time fore some chocolate eggs, hens and bunnies, but remember to not abuse too much.

Also, don't forget the true meaning of Easter, but I know it's not everyone that cares about it.

I hope you all have a good Easter time.

I hope the virus situation will get better this year. Stay safe and healthy, and do your best to stay together with your family and friends. If you feel lonely, if you feel down, make sure to poke people and talk about it. That's most likely what I'm gonna do too. I wish happiness to you all. Happy New Year!

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas despite the situation. Take this moment to take care of yourself, relax and spend a good time with your family and friends. It's not everyone that is fortunate in life. Many things can go wrong, some might have it rough, without forgetting those who are alone or have no Christmas at all.

Plenty have even forgotten or no longer care about the true meaning of Christmas. It's been over 2020 years that Jesus has been born and there's fewer people that wishes him happy birthday. In my family, it's still something that is very important to us, and it's sad to see that many no longer believes in him.

But anyway, I wish everyone a great time and a good health. Happy Holidays! I love you all.

One year has passed and I'm leveling up again. I'm gonna celebrate this with my family later this week.

I'm also gonna treat myself and see what kind of goodies I could offer to myself.

Thanks for all those birthday wishes. It's always nice when people think about me. *Hugs you all tight*

... it left a bitter taste in my mouth, so to speak. It was amazing to see all the furries again and return to a physical convention. That was something that I've missed for a while. However, for this one, even though with the little problems here and there that aren't worth talking about, a rather big disappointing and hurt feeling went through me to the point I ended up crying during the con. Part of it was because my expectations were probably a bit too high, but the other part made me realize how wrong I can be in some topics. Let me explain.

You see, I'm a solitary dragon. I've tried making friends along the many years with the furries around, mostly in the Quebec fandom, and overall, my closest friends aren't living nearby, some others can be not trustable and a bunch others are still kind of new to me. I've also never got the chance to get a mate around here during all this time. For a while, I've tried to embed myself in the fandom, but being how I am with the troubles I have, I always felt like I wasn't so important. It's only recently that I've tried to approach some Quebec furs again.
But back to the topic. Being solitary, I'm deeply lacking sexual interactions. The thing is, I'm out of the ordinary. I have fetishes and I'm not attracted to normal sex. And I tend to befriend those who share the similar kinky interests in the hope of fulfilling the lack that I have. And well, I've realized that maybe I've been doing the wrong thing for a long time. I thought that making friends would be to be with those who share the same interests, but no... it's more than just that, and I'm probably dumb. And so, when comes the conventions, these are the only moment where I can make my fetishes come true with other furs. And I hope SO MUCH that it would happen... but no, it doesn't always happen. As a result, being in a convention where I feel unimportant along with the Quebec fandom, where every other furs that I've never met are very unknown, where I am asexual and kinky, different from the majority of the fandom that can be gay, bi, straight or whatever, I'm feeling extremely hopeless despite me trying to befriend people in a possibly wrong way. How do you think that I feel?

Room parties? What are those? I've never got invited to one before. Oh, I need a fursuit? That's bs! And I've heard that plenty of furries got their fun in private rooms. Why couldn't I? Why does it have to be that way? Why does it have to be me? What can I do to solve this? Don't get me wrong: I'm not saying that having room parties and sex is absolutely required in a convention, but it's always neat and appealing to have some sexual pleasure especially when 99% of the time in your life, you're always alone and terribly lacking of that pleasure. And I'm also very romantic and caring. If my kinks are different than usual and might not seem appealing, I still greatly love to cuddle other fursuiters, show love and please them.

There's also the aspect that everybody has grown up and know each other for a while. I just wish I could have been in a circle of friends too for a long time. I fear that eventually, I won't feel that I'm part of this fandom, and I'm gonna end up being forgotten, lonelier and hopeless despite all my efforts.

*Sobs* That's the kind of bad feeling mix I've got for CanFurEnce even though I've spent a good time with the others and meet a few new friends.

Thanks a lot to  hf-fox  pawsthegame  bt-armistice for their support and comfort. I really appreciate.

I'm not aiming anybody in particular in this story. This is just globally what I often feel in such situation.

"Alright so, who I am gonna see today..." I'm looking among my contacts, hoping to find someone to improve my sociability skills... or at least my attempts to do so. Hey, here's a friend I didn't speak much with. I mostly know him because we share some kinky interests and I like his character and the artworks he has. I've talked with him a bit in the past, but not enough to be considered a really close friend. Hopefully, it's gonna go well. So I jump into that virtual world...

Once upon entering, I notice that I'm far from being alone in here. I see many furries around. They're all chatting and seemingly having a nice evening with their friends. They don't seem to notice me or pay attention to me, but I suppose it's okay since I don't know them and they don't know me. As I wander around, I could see my friend in the distance. So I approach towards him so that he can see me. The nice thing is that he recognizes me and smiles at me.

- Hey SilverMike, wassup dude?
- Hey there, it's nice to see you. How's it going?
- Pretty good, thanks. What 'bout you?
- I'm fine here, thanks. Nothing much going on, I'm mostly here to chill.
- Good, good...

He then quickly turns back to some other friends, laughing to what they're saying. This is where I realize that he has probably took a drink or two, if not more. I listen to what they say, things I have no idea what it is about, what to answer to. I stay there, motionless, speechless, glad to see my friend and his pals seemingly all sociable while I'm listening at things I should probably know as many others seem to do too... I also really like his avatar. He has a nice model. If only I could have something as cool. Probably one day. I love his paws though. I wish I could interact with them, but I know it's not the place nor the moment for that. Besides, I don't want to disturb him in his conversation and be seen as some weirdo. I just keep staying close, with the hope there's something I could exchange with. I could try to talk about something, but nothing comes in mind and I barely know what he likes. Besides, I'm a bit scared to say something stupid.

As time passes, I feel like a complete ghost. As I look around, everybody's talking of random stuff. What can I say? How are they able to talk so easily? I hear a few of them smoking weed or taking another shot. Do I have to be drunk or stoned too? I try to laugh and chuckle sometimes. It's probably the only things I manage to do. That, or changing avatar, trying to get some attention. Sometimes I get an interaction, that's better than nothing. Eventually, the conversation turns more mature, with some more dirty talking going on. They all appear to be gay, or most of them, I don't know. It's too bad that I'm asexual. The only thing that really turns me on are their paws... Over the time, a feeling of powerlessness builds up deep inside me. Watching at them like that kind of hurts me, but it's a small and slow pain. A pain that I've been used to deal with like many instances I got, with friends, with people, even with my family sometimes.

At some point, they decide to try a drinking game. I've never did that before, but I kind of understand how it works. Sort of. But I don't really drink anyway and I'm even wondering if I probably should... One time I tried having some alcohol, I almost passed out.

It's getting late, my friend needs to leave. He comes at me with a smile and pets me. I answer: "Hey, have a good night." I wish I could hug and pet him back, too bad I don't have the equipment for that yet. And after a few more talks, he's finally gone and most other people leave as well, leaving me there, thinking, questioning, wondering, sighing... with a strong feeling of powerlessness. It's as if I'm not made for chatting. As if I could never improve and having a better relationship. As if I could never be recognized and having some treats from friends. As if you need to be gay, or talking of mature subjects in order to be interesting. As if you need to spend money in order to become more popular with artworks, model and VR gear. In fact, that makes me worry to purchase my own set because I know everything is gonna happen again. Having a private moment? A close relationship? I'm not even sure it will ever happen... I'm already in the mid 30s, and each time I suck. And it's often the same thing, day after day...

On the final note, again, I'm sorry for that little rant. It's just really hard to be in my condition, and it doesn't necessarily always apply to VR.

If you got a notification that I joined Telegram even though I already have my Telegram account mentioned in my contacts, this is NOT me. Just to let you know.

Why the fuck is it so hard to socialize? I always get that feeling of being a worthless nobody when I'm surrounded.

So, 2020 is gone. Sure, it affected all of us. The stress of the Covid, the cons and meets being cancelled, the containment and the impossibility to see each other, people getting sick around us, the impact on the economy, on our life...

Always remember that it could have been worse, that you're still alive reading this, that life keeps going on for the best and the worst.

Stay positive despite these circumstances. You never know what 2021 can be capable of. Hopefully, it won't be worse than what we had and I wish things will get better from now on.

Fortunately, for me, things didn't go that bad in 2020. Being always lonely at home, it didn't make such a big difference. I sure miss contacts, very much in fact, but I've seen some positive in that Covid situation. I ended up spending way less money, and I started to like the teleworking. I also started turning more towards the virtual with VRChat which allowed me to meet some more awesome friends. I'm very thankful that it wasn't that gloomy for me and I'm deeply sorry if it wasn't the case for you.

Let's have a safe and hopeful year 2021! Stay positive, folks.

I hope everyone got a Merry Christmas despite the situation and that you're enjoying your holidays. Only a few days remain before that damn year is finally over. Let's hope the situation will get better in 2021. Make sure to stay healthy and keep your happiness throughout those hard times.

So Christmas is coming next week. With the Covid situation, we won't be able to regroup together for our family, but we're gonna find something that should not cause any problems so at least, I'm not gonna be alone for the holidays. Usually, we get together, chill and share a bunch of gifts, but over the years, with the kids my brothers and sisters got, Christmas has mostly become an event for them. Over the past years, I got lesser gifts, considering each of my brother and sister's families share their gifts together. They also pretty much have to leave each on their side once Christmas is over. I'm the only one who doesn't have any "family". No lover, no children. Just myself. At least, I'm very glad to still have my family and see them, but the fact I cannot rely much on gifts and spending time with them have made me lost the holiday spirit, the Christmas magic, but not entirely.

That also made me realize and learn that I should no longer expect much in terms of gifts. But that's okay in a way, because Christmas isn't just about gifts. A lot of people still think Christmas is all about materials, getting a shitload of stuff under the Christmas tree to fulfill their happiness. That's sad.

At this point, I've now come to the point that if there's some material things that I desire, I simply just have to purchase them for myself. And that's what I started doing this year. However, there are gifts I cannot really purchase and that's a bit the point of this journal. I'm the type of person that is usually asking for not so much to make me happy and here are the things that I'd love that would not cost too much, if not at all.

- First of, I wish to spend more time with friends and making new ones. I've started becoming more sociable, poking people and caring about them. I've been joining a few furry groups and even started getting more involved in VRChat and having fun. Friends are what matters the most for me. You're important, guys. Each single one of you. Let's play together, chill and everything.

- In the same vein, I also wish for more roleplays. I always enjoy doing RPs while pleasing my partner back. These are almost my only source of sexual fulfillment since I have nobody physically there with me to spend a magical time. I never have. And the fact that I have some unique kink makes things even more complicated, but even so, I never force to include it.

- Speaking of my weird kink, well, here's something that I dream about receiving, but I can understand that it can be very awkward and could even not work in some cases, but anyway... I wish to get some videos of fursuit footpaws messing over with the video camera lens, with dust, fluids and the like. *Blushes* No, don't stare at me like that please. >,//,< That's something I'd greatly enjoy to get, but I can understand that it can be weird or it could cause the risk of damaging their device. It's just... I just dream about it, you never know how much. Doesn't even have to be sexual.

- Also, I wish having some more artworks, but that's really low priority. Unlike many others, I'm not the kind of derg that absolutely need a ton of artworks to be happy. It's just always a pleasure to get a few here and there. That makes me feel that people appreciate me in some ways and enjoys to see me in art.

- Finally, once the pandemic would be over, I wish to get more furs visiting me, doing stuff together, or maybe even getting intimate. I'm so lonely here. I need contacts. And I'm getting old. But I know that the travelling can be a big issue and cost some money for that.

So there you have it. Those are the points I mostly wish for Christmas and over the time. I've also thought about getting a VR set maybe, but I'm quite unsure about it. Maybe a fursuit too, but I need to find a good builder. Any suggestions are welcome.

Take care guys

Yup, here it goes again, it's my hatchday! Got a little nice time with my parents despite the Covid situation.

Thanks to everyone that wished me a Happy Hatchday during the day! I really appreciate. You're all amazing! *Hugs you all*